I walked down to the beach this morning, even though I don’t live by the ocean. Or any body of water. I just walked until I heard the sound of waves in my head. The smell of salt in my nose. None of it was real, but it felt good anyways. It felt like I could step out into the water and drown myself whenever I was ready. Whenever I wanted. Only I didn’t want to. Because even though the idea of finality is appealing, I have a few reasons to stay here for now, and finish what I started. And I know that what I started isn’t much, but not much is better than nothing at all, and I’d like to see that through, whether it amounts to anything or not. Because I don’t care about pissing the farthest, I just care about pissing in general. It’s not me against you. It’s me against me against me against me. And somehow, I don’t think that I’m winning yet. The thought makes me sweat.

I open my eyes and find myself in the parking lot of a liquor store. No shoreline or beach or ocean. And I know it’s early, but I think about going in and buying a bottle. I think about it. I think about it. But then I don’t. And instead, I go home. Because I don’t feel like drowning myself yet.

62 responses to “Drowning”

  1. Well done–both the decision not to drown yourself and the writing. I’m pulling for you. Maybe the next chapter of your life is the best. Got to stick around to find out.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. “Because I don’t care about pissing the farthest, I just care about pissing in general.” Up a rope, down your leg, in the Post Toasties. That’s like a Half Price Books self-help section in a line. Nice work.

    Liked by 3 people

  3. This is wonderful, Lou. Truly wonderful. I get you, not wanting to beat anyone else but yourself. It’s so true. Thanks for your honesty and for writing these incredible words for the rest of us to read and identify with. You’re awesome.

    Liked by 2 people

  4. Well, that was like asphalt surfing, on your knees. (Done that, no fun.)

    Nicely reflective and twisty, just enough twisty. I love that whole beginning. Shit, that was the beginning of a novel, in my mind.

    Liked by 2 people

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