Drowning

I walked down to the beach this morning, even though I don’t live by the ocean. Or any body of water. I just walked until I heard the sound of waves in my head. The smell of salt in my nose. None of it was real, but it felt good anyways. It felt like I could step out into the water and drown myself whenever I was ready. Whenever I wanted. Only I didn’t want to. Because even though the idea of finality is appealing, I have a few reasons to stay here for now, and finish what I started. And I know that what I started isn’t much, but not much is better than nothing at all, and I’d like to see that through, whether it amounts to anything or not. Because I don’t care about pissing the farthest, I just care about pissing in general. It’s not me against you. It’s me against me against me against me. And somehow, I don’t think that I’m winning yet. The thought makes me sweat.

I open my eyes and find myself in the parking lot of a liquor store. No shoreline or beach or ocean. And I know it’s early, but I think about going in and buying a bottle. I think about it. I think about it. But then I don’t. And instead, I go home. Because I don’t feel like drowning myself yet.

62 responses to “Drowning”

  1. we are our own harshest critic. sucks, but true.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. very true. thanks for reading

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Oh most DEFINITELY in a good way, Lou.

        Liked by 1 person

        1. well shit. thank you

          Liked by 1 person

  2. Woahhh! This is soo good!

    Liked by 3 people

    1. shit. thank you very much

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Well done–both the decision not to drown yourself and the writing. I’m pulling for you. Maybe the next chapter of your life is the best. Got to stick around to find out.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. thank you and thank you. maybe it will be. we’ll see

      Liked by 1 person

  4. I really love this, beautiful writing Lou.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. very kind. thank you

      Liked by 1 person

  5. One day at a time, brother. Good job.

    Liked by 2 people

  6. Exceptional piece man, exceptional!

    Liked by 2 people

    1. thank you, thank you. very nice words

      Liked by 1 person

  7. “Because I don’t care about pissing the farthest, I just care about pissing in general.” Up a rope, down your leg, in the Post Toasties. That’s like a Half Price Books self-help section in a line. Nice work.

    Liked by 3 people

    1. thanks Phil. glad you like it

      Like

  8. This is wonderful, Lou. Truly wonderful. I get you, not wanting to beat anyone else but yourself. It’s so true. Thanks for your honesty and for writing these incredible words for the rest of us to read and identify with. You’re awesome.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. damn. very very kind. but thank you for reading them. means a lot

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Always. I really do look forward to seeing what you’ve got with each next post.

        Liked by 1 person

        1. well ill keep them coming. thank you again

          Liked by 1 person

  9. Me neither though drowning is an idea very close to me. One day. Not yet.

    Liked by 2 people

      1. Not planning yet, no worries.

        Liked by 1 person

          1. I’ll let u know, in writing.

            Liked by 1 person

            1. well ill be reading

              Liked by 1 person

  10. A wonderful piece of self observation!

    Liked by 2 people

    1. thank you. happy you liked it

      Liked by 1 person

  11. This is brilliant, Lou, really good. I know just how you feel.

    Liked by 3 people

    1. thank you very much. i think a lot of us have probably been there

      Like

      1. Yes! and that’s what I especially loved about this…

        Liked by 1 person

        1. well it’s nice to know others have been there too. glad you enjoyed it

          Like

  12. “but not much is better than nothing at all,” Ain’t that the truth! Don’t down yourself yet, you have more to say…

    Liked by 2 people

    1. i think i do. staying above water for now

      Liked by 1 person

  13. This is amazing. It speaks to the creative process, not being perfect, being human and alive. Blew me away. Beautiful writing.
    -Jill

    Liked by 2 people

    1. wow. that was a beautiful comment. thank you

      Liked by 1 person

      1. You are welcome. I meant every word.

        Liked by 1 person

  14. your writing is so real. i love how you join your ideas together and tie in analogies to illustrate your thought processes–fantastic job xx

    Liked by 2 people

    1. im happy you see it. thank you for reading

      Liked by 1 person

  15. Well, that was like asphalt surfing, on your knees. (Done that, no fun.)

    Nicely reflective and twisty, just enough twisty. I love that whole beginning. Shit, that was the beginning of a novel, in my mind.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. damn. thank you … definitely don’t want to actually know how asphalt knee-surfing feels, though

      Liked by 1 person

  16. Oh my…..you mesmerized me with this one.😍😍😍😍😍

    Liked by 1 person

    1. well im glad you liked it. thanks for reading

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Ah you know the “old lady” here ur fan😀keep it up

        Liked by 1 person

  17. I really sank into this one – gorgeous!

    Liked by 2 people

    1. very cool. thank you

      Liked by 1 person

  18. This one is speechlessly excellent. Brilliant!

    Liked by 2 people

    1. that is very kind. thank you

      Liked by 1 person

  19. Good choice, Lou. I was never one for morning booze; just waited until after lunch!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. maybe a litte. never sure, though

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I think that’s as good as it gets.

        Liked by 1 person

    1. thanks. happy you like it

      Liked by 1 person

  20. I did, you’re welcome.

    Like

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