Curb

It disturbs me to think about how many nights I sat on this curb after work, smoking a bowl, when I could have been hanging out with my friends instead. It’s like I was determined to be alone. Like I wanted to isolate myself, and get high, rather than high five my friends at this party down the street. I could’ve gone. I know that I could’ve. But I was too fucking cool for that. So fucking cool. Because I liked to be by myself. And I thought that those nights would help me figure out the meaning of life. And I thought that if I sat there long enough, and got high enough, and snuck enough of my parents booze, I would figure out what the hell I was supposed to be doing. Only now that seems like it was a huge god dammed waste. It was. Because there is no fucking meaning to life. Life is life. It is a series of things that repeat over and over until we die. And sometimes we get to have fun. But I turned my back on every opportunity to enjoy myself. And now I’m back on this curb. Older. More bored. And so disturbed by how many nights I spent here when I didn’t have to. Unless maybe it’s not too late. I stand up. I throw my bowl on the cement and watch it shatter to a hundred pieces. Fuck this curb.

Published by lou rasmus

Lou Rasmus is an independent author from Chicago, IL. His works are largely focused on exploring the meaning of life – or lack thereof – while the themes of love, relationships, and self-loathing are also central to many of his stories. His upcoming novel, Primrose Isle, will be his third self-published title. Grapefruit Juice, a collection of bitter poems and short stories, and DEAD RED FISH, his semi-autobiographical debut novel about a young man coming to age on a road trip with his childhood friends, are also available on Amazon.

58 thoughts on “Curb

  1. You know, this really resonates, I mean, I have a family member who is dealing with their alcoholism right now, and the regret and remorse they are dealing with…it’s heart breaking. But he went into detox and rehab and he’s feeling so much more positive. And I can’t tell you how over the moon I am, really. It’s been a long hard road. But you gotta have the cheerleaders, you know, the support has to keep going. So if it means anything, it’s never too late. 🌸

    Liked by 1 person

      1. you are welcome!
        And i don’t think it has to be either/or, i mean i need time alone and other times, not. I think it’s healthy to have both. maybe there’s an imbalance that you’re recognising, too much of one?

        Liked by 1 person

  2. I don’t know, Lou. I’d so totally take smoking a bowl alone on a curb over a party any day. Way more worth it. Less vomit too. I mean, it would be BETTER with a friend or lover sitting next to you passing the pipe, but alone is better than a party, I say.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. ive always felt the same… but sometimes i get this feeling too. sometimes i think i isolate myself too much. sometimes i want to isolate myself more. i dont know.

      Liked by 1 person

  3. This has really touched me, Lou. Writing about how you feel about it has gotta be better than not getting it out there though…right? What Lawrence says is right. Not easy, but it’s never too late until it actually IS. Love how you write and wish I could show my son this. x

    Liked by 1 person

    1. nice to know this reaches others. and if does feel better to write through it. not sure if it will bring a change, but maybe. thanks for the comment

      Like

  4. Throw your bowl on the cement and watch it shatter to 100 hundred pieces! That would be nice and dramatic…make for a nice scene in the movie of your life…and it would be a great reason to buy a better, bigger bowl.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. I love this post, Lou. You’re showing signs of at least wanting to grow and change. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve thought of throwing out my Evan Williams. I haven’t managed it yet, but I have reduced my frequency & amount of intake. I quit smoking years ago; maybe someday I’ll quit drinking too. I wish you luck. If you ever want help getting access to resources to help you quit or just to ease your anxiety & depression, please email me at theceaselessreader@gmail.com, let me know in which state you live, and I’ll send you some info.

    Take care, be well, and happy Blogging,

    Denny

    Liked by 1 person

    1. thanks Denny. might get there one day. feel like it may be soon, but i don’t know. appreciate you reaching out though, and thanks for reading

      Liked by 1 person

  6. Wisdom is worth what we pay for it. Maybe you wasted a lot of time. Maybe you discovered the truth about “friendship and social commaraderie”. Maybe fun isn’t in the hang, it’s who you become without it. You as you, instead of you, mirrored in other people. Altering your expectations doesn’t exclude you from the club. It does make cutting the shit and letting it fall a lot easier.

    However, as a standalone character study, nice work.

    Liked by 1 person

      1. I think you did. 👏🏼👍🏼Quick story that i wish was not. My brother-in-law was found in his 125+ F apt, literally cooked. He just couldn’t shake himself awake. For years he snuck out of sight and no one was the wiser for what tormented him. Keep trying to do whatever it is you are trying to figure out or do or whatever. To life 🍻.

        Liked by 1 person

  7. Is this true?
    If you have had a revelation, then avoiding loneliness as the true meaning of life is a good purpose to have. From sociability grows genuine happiness not chemically induced self avoidance.

    Liked by 1 person

  8. I can relate. I am, right now, feeling like at the beginning of your poem. I like your understanding of life – repetitive things, sometimes we have fun. True.

    Liked by 1 person

  9. “Fuck this curb.” I love that. But I bet you were right back there the next day. I feel like if you really wanted to be alone, you would’ve smoked at home and not on a curb where anyone can stumble upon you. Maybe you were hoping someone more chill would find you and keep you company but reality set in and you realized that’s all you were, alone. I really love your writing and getting to peek inside your troubled mind. I find you very intriguing. Great work.

    Liked by 1 person

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