It disturbs me to think about how many nights I sat on this curb after work, smoking a bowl, when I could have been hanging out with my friends instead. It’s like I was determined to be alone. Like I wanted to isolate myself, and get high, rather than high five my friends at this party down the street. I could’ve gone. I know that I could’ve. But I was too fucking cool for that. So fucking cool. Because I liked to be by myself. And I thought that those nights would help me figure out the meaning of life. And I thought that if I sat there long enough, and got high enough, and snuck enough of my parents booze, I would figure out what the hell I was supposed to be doing. Only now that seems like it was a huge god dammed waste. It was. Because there is no fucking meaning to life. Life is life. It is a series of things that repeat over and over until we die. And sometimes we get to have fun. But I turned my back on every opportunity to enjoy myself. And now I’m back on this curb. Older. More bored. And so disturbed by how many nights I spent here when I didn’t have to. Unless maybe it’s not too late. I stand up. I throw my bowl on the cement and watch it shatter to a hundred pieces. Fuck this curb.
Curb
Posted bylou rasmusPosted inShort StoriesTags:#creative-writing, #fiction, #prose, #Writer, introspection
Published by lou rasmus
Lou Rasmus is an independent author from Chicago, IL. His works are largely focused on exploring the meaning of life – or lack thereof – while the themes of love, relationships, and self-loathing are also central to many of his stories. His upcoming novel, Primrose Isle, will be his third self-published title. Grapefruit Juice, a collection of bitter poems and short stories, and DEAD RED FISH, his semi-autobiographical debut novel about a young man coming to age on a road trip with his childhood friends, are also available on Amazon. View more posts
You know, this really resonates, I mean, I have a family member who is dealing with their alcoholism right now, and the regret and remorse they are dealing with…it’s heart breaking. But he went into detox and rehab and he’s feeling so much more positive. And I can’t tell you how over the moon I am, really. It’s been a long hard road. But you gotta have the cheerleaders, you know, the support has to keep going. So if it means anything, it’s never too late. 🌸
LikeLiked by 1 person
right on. very nice words. thank you
LikeLiked by 1 person
you are welcome!
And i don’t think it has to be either/or, i mean i need time alone and other times, not. I think it’s healthy to have both. maybe there’s an imbalance that you’re recognising, too much of one?
LikeLiked by 1 person
i think that’s probably it. just feel like i need a change sometimes
LikeLiked by 1 person
It’s never too late…!
LikeLiked by 1 person
we’ll see
LikeLiked by 1 person
I don’t know, Lou. I’d so totally take smoking a bowl alone on a curb over a party any day. Way more worth it. Less vomit too. I mean, it would be BETTER with a friend or lover sitting next to you passing the pipe, but alone is better than a party, I say.
LikeLiked by 1 person
ive always felt the same… but sometimes i get this feeling too. sometimes i think i isolate myself too much. sometimes i want to isolate myself more. i dont know.
LikeLiked by 1 person
I’m right there with you, man.
LikeLiked by 1 person
This has really touched me, Lou. Writing about how you feel about it has gotta be better than not getting it out there though…right? What Lawrence says is right. Not easy, but it’s never too late until it actually IS. Love how you write and wish I could show my son this. x
LikeLiked by 1 person
nice to know this reaches others. and if does feel better to write through it. not sure if it will bring a change, but maybe. thanks for the comment
LikeLike
I love your writing, Lou. You remind me of Bukowski, in that your poetry is raw and real and you cut right through the bone. I absolutely love it. Cheers, mate! 🍺
LikeLiked by 1 person
shit. those are kind words. thank you very much. cheers
LikeLiked by 1 person
I use the curb as a pillow here on Stuggle Street.
LikeLiked by 2 people
that’s a good use for it
LikeLiked by 1 person
Some people never come to this realization. Congrats! Onward!
LikeLiked by 1 person
its taken a while to see it. but thank you
LikeLiked by 1 person
Throw your bowl on the cement and watch it shatter to 100 hundred pieces! That would be nice and dramatic…make for a nice scene in the movie of your life…and it would be a great reason to buy a better, bigger bowl.
LikeLiked by 1 person
haha yes it would
LikeLiked by 1 person
I love this post, Lou. You’re showing signs of at least wanting to grow and change. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve thought of throwing out my Evan Williams. I haven’t managed it yet, but I have reduced my frequency & amount of intake. I quit smoking years ago; maybe someday I’ll quit drinking too. I wish you luck. If you ever want help getting access to resources to help you quit or just to ease your anxiety & depression, please email me at theceaselessreader@gmail.com, let me know in which state you live, and I’ll send you some info.
Take care, be well, and happy Blogging,
Denny
LikeLiked by 1 person
thanks Denny. might get there one day. feel like it may be soon, but i don’t know. appreciate you reaching out though, and thanks for reading
LikeLiked by 1 person
No problem, Lou. Keep up the good work!
LikeLiked by 1 person
thank you. i’ll try
LikeLiked by 1 person
Wisdom is worth what we pay for it. Maybe you wasted a lot of time. Maybe you discovered the truth about “friendship and social commaraderie”. Maybe fun isn’t in the hang, it’s who you become without it. You as you, instead of you, mirrored in other people. Altering your expectations doesn’t exclude you from the club. It does make cutting the shit and letting it fall a lot easier.
However, as a standalone character study, nice work.
LikeLiked by 1 person
i think you’re right. thanks Phil
LikeLike
Enlightenment.
LikeLiked by 1 person
possibly
LikeLike
Very empowering piece. There are a few things I want to throw, watch shatter and walk away from. Wishing you well –
LikeLiked by 1 person
it is a satisfying moment … and thank you
LikeLiked by 1 person
This is excellent, Lou. Truly. A bit of self reflection that I know a lot of us can relate to. Well done
LikeLiked by 1 person
thank you very much. very kind
LikeLiked by 1 person
But you did figure out the meaning! I lost it! And rarely share these deeper thoughts but thanks for reading my posts. 😎✌🏼❤️
LikeLiked by 1 person
sorta maybe figured it out.. and of course. thanks for reading mine
LikeLiked by 1 person
I think you did. 👏🏼👍🏼Quick story that i wish was not. My brother-in-law was found in his 125+ F apt, literally cooked. He just couldn’t shake himself awake. For years he snuck out of sight and no one was the wiser for what tormented him. Keep trying to do whatever it is you are trying to figure out or do or whatever. To life 🍻.
LikeLiked by 1 person
wild. thanks for sharing
LikeLiked by 1 person
Yeah, fuck it.
LikeLiked by 1 person
haha fuck it all
LikeLiked by 1 person
Is this true?
If you have had a revelation, then avoiding loneliness as the true meaning of life is a good purpose to have. From sociability grows genuine happiness not chemically induced self avoidance.
LikeLiked by 1 person
sorta true. sometimes i want to be different
LikeLike
Oh you definatetly that, but can you remain ‘different’ without the drugs?
LikeLiked by 1 person
If you self destruct like all the ‘greats’ that died young, you’ll never find out.
LikeLiked by 1 person
fair point
LikeLike
maybe. guess we’ll see
LikeLike
I can relate. I am, right now, feeling like at the beginning of your poem. I like your understanding of life – repetitive things, sometimes we have fun. True.
LikeLiked by 1 person
nice to know im not alone. try not to get hung up in regret.. even tho its easy to.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thank you for the advice. I’ll try. 😘
LikeLiked by 1 person
Good for you, Lou! Hey, I made a rhyme-Wow, the shattered bowl was worth something, anyway. 🙂
You won’t miss the curb, I suspect.
LikeLiked by 1 person
no i don’t think i will
LikeLiked by 1 person
thank you for sharing this
LikeLike
… and then what happened? 🙂
LikeLiked by 1 person
met up with some friends and got drunk. it was nice
LikeLiked by 1 person
Do you ever feel constrained by your reputation? I mean – what do you do when the urge to smile comes along?
Aw, shaddup, Robert.
Okay.
LikeLiked by 1 person
ive smiled before. not many times. but it does happen. we all slip up haha
LikeLiked by 1 person
Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha – yeah.
LikeLiked by 1 person
“Fuck this curb.” I love that. But I bet you were right back there the next day. I feel like if you really wanted to be alone, you would’ve smoked at home and not on a curb where anyone can stumble upon you. Maybe you were hoping someone more chill would find you and keep you company but reality set in and you realized that’s all you were, alone. I really love your writing and getting to peek inside your troubled mind. I find you very intriguing. Great work.
LikeLiked by 1 person
ive definitely gone back to the curb already. i still kind of like the spot. but thanks for reading. i appreciate it
LikeLiked by 1 person
I knew it. You’re welcome
LikeLiked by 1 person